The Ganondorf Dragmire diaries

Cap'n Keeta

Zora

Posts: 351

« on: April 11, 2007 »

Oh hello! My name is Sturgeon and I’m here to post my ground-breaking research on the life of one the most pivotal figure’s in Hyrule’s (and not to mention several other realm’s) history. Yes, after spending thirty long years of my life poring over it – I have translated Ganondorf Dragmire’s secret diary.

You’ll be pleasantly surprised to know that they chronicle his life from ‘Ocarina Of Time’ all the way to ‘Adventure of Link’. With any luck, now that we have some first hand accounts of Hyrule’s history some of our historians might be able to create a proper timeline. Oh good oh!

It was a Herculean effort. Not only did I have to decipher his shocking handwriting, terrible spelling and complete lack of proper grammar usage, I also had to prise open the diary’s lock, and I tell you what, those girl tech secret diaries can withstand practically anything!

It was one of those voice activated ones you see and I spent a very long time trying to imitate Ganondorf’s voice and way of speaking to trick the lock into swinging open. I wasted many an afternoon honing my impression skills and repeating some of his catchphrases over and over into the speaker: “Yah hah hah hah!” I’d go, “Grrrreeeeeee---yeeeah!” I’d shout, “Falcon.... Paunnnnchhh!” I’d bellow. But it was no use.

One day I went for a walk and got so frustrated with the bloody thing that I chucked it in the neighbour’s pigpen. When I went back the following morning, to my surprise the lock had swung open. Oh, what a miracle! It must have been an intervention from above! Orca says I’m stupid for believing in such nonsense… but unless it was the pigs oinking that did it (and I doubt that) it was Nayru, Farore or maybe Din. Actually it probably wasn’t Din.

I’ll post an entry every day to leave you chaps in suspense and to hype up the revelations to come! And by jove, there is some juicy stuff waiting to be published that could have kept the tabloids sated for generations!

So my dear readers… accept my gift and BANG BANG BANG Oi! ORCA! KEEP IT DOWN! I’M BUSY! YOU CAN TEACH LINK HOW TO USE A SWORD LATER! AH GET STUFFED! IDIOT… oh where was i? Funny. I can’t remember writing that…

Ahem, so here they are:

THE GANONDORF DRAGMIRE DIARIES

Oh yes, since these diaries are the the work of one of the most vile men in history there is some rather offensive language, bawdy talk and acts of appaling violence in places. So be careful

Wednesday 21/4/0001. Weather: Sunny
Dear Diary:
I had a fantastic day. Overcoming an earlier mishap that… has put me off fish forever… I finally reached Hyrule Castle Town to much fanfare and applause. I was fortunate enough to be granted an audience with his majesty King Gustaf Scarlet Johansson Daphne Fred Velma the third (or was it fifth… come to think of it where did Velma come from?). I’ve been waiting for this day may entire life – literally. Hot mummy and cold mummy had to book my appointment with him twenty years before I was even born.
Over lunch with King Gus (that’s the nickname I gave him) I told him about all that I’ve achieved in my time as Gerudo ruler. He was very impressed when I told him that there had been a 23% drop in reports of rape since I’d taken the helm – down to only 29 a month. I didn’t tell him I was the only Gerudo male.
The hospitality here is wonderful, after spending the early afternoon chatting with Gus in the castle’s Turkish Baths we partook in a most cordial game of croquet. I let him win of course. I don’t want to upset the royals! Except when I kill them of course… oops I probably shouldn’t have written that. Hopefully no-one will find this super secret diary…

That’s all for today. But stay tuned my dear reader, for tomorrow I shall post what Ganondorf did on that fateful day of Thursday the twenty-second of April 0001. And believe me… you won’t want to miss it.


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Python

Zora

Posts: 381