The Hylia - Grand Theft Zelda

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With all the controversy that has befallen Grand Theft Auto in recent years, I’ve always found it odd how the creators from Rock Star cited “Ocarina of Time” as a developmental influence. The remark made me think even more about what else, perhaps, Zelda could have influenced GTA with. This may be a long shot, but I think I’ve found something a little more taboo than the “open environments and exploration” element, and something from a game a little bit older than Ocarina of Time.

Just a note: this article is supposed to be humorous, so don’t take it too seriously. The year is 1988, and Zelda II: The Adventure of Link has finally hit shelves in the US in time for the holidays. Most fans, however, were simply put off by the side-scrolling nature and the RPG feel which was drastically different than the original. Perhaps that is why this element of Zelda II was so overlooked until now.
Link doesn't go around with an AK-47. But a Sword was just as lethal back in the day.
In Zelda II, Link has his standard health meter as usual. You can get heart containers to expand your health capabilities, and you can replenish this health through a fairy, just like in the original game You can also refill your health through a spell you can learn later on. Still, there is one other way Link can refill his health. Welcome to the slums of Hyrule. The dark alleys you don’t dare travel down. The home of the woman in the red dress. Zelda’s dark little secret.

Upon entering any single town in Hyrule, there is a woman in a red dress that simply walks back and forth for no apparent reason. But stroll up to her and engage in conversation, and you will see she simply offers to refill your health and takes you indoors. Moments later, Link will emerge with full health, followed shortly by the woman in the red dress. Scandalous you say? It gets worse.

If you wish to refill you magic, Link needs but go to the old woman in each town and follow a similar protocol. Less appealing than her younger counterpart, Link still enters willingly into her home and emerges shortly after. Is this something to be expected from a young teen with raging hormones, or is this the exploits of a sick and lonely man who’s gone too far off the deep end from a lack of gratification from the princess of Hyrule?

The simple fact that in each town, like clockwork, appears this woman in the red dress is a bit suspect. If she were merely giving Link a potion or healing his wounds, why does it have to be concealed? Why does Link have to go inside? Why does the woman in the red dress continually wander about her entrance, seemingly trying to attract others? Why is she dressed in red? Something is afoot in the land of Hyrule, and you’ve probably guessed it by now.

There’s an ongoing prostitution ring in Hyrule, and Zelda II was truly the first game to use “prostitutes” in order to refill health. Sure, Link doesn’t pick them up in a car, and you don’t see or hear any of the ruckuses, but it doesn’t change the fact it is still going on. So it seems our beloved hero Link was pimping women long before GTA ever graced a screen.

But, doesn’t GTA go a bit further? I mean, you can beat up anybody on the street, killing them mercilessly. Well, while Link’ can’t beat up anyone, it is true he can harass certain folks too much, and then they become enraged and transform into Keese, which Link can then slaughter like pigs. Yes, Link can kill townspeople in Zelda II.

Well, certainly, GTA is different. They have mobs and crime lords! Well, what happens when Link ventures off the beaten path in the game? Bam! A mob of bandits swarm around Link and try to beat him down. The "Brotherhood of Underworld Monsters", a crime syndicate trying to free their Kingpin - Ganon - and restore their mob back to the top of the food chain.

Also, not to mention, Link does have to go from town to town, accomplishing “tasks” in order to be given access to newer “roads” which lead to more new towns. Seems oddly familiar. It all adds up to this startling fact; Grand Theft Auto blatantly ripped off Zelda II. Rock Star believed that nobody would notice this because of all the negligence from fans who dismiss the game, calling it “horrible” without every touching the game. Yes, our own ignorance has allowed GTA to steal the spotlight away from Zelda, which should have been causing all sorts of controversy back in its day. It only got worse with the next game, A Link to the Past, in which Link could beat chickens senseless - something I'm surprised hasn't drawn backlash from PETA.

But alas, perhaps it was for the better. If we had only followed the advice given in the game, Zelda may have sparked a whole generation of youth violence and misfits. “If all else fails, use fire.”
Discuss this article in the forums. - Mike "TSA" Damiani is the Senior Editor and Owner of The Hylia.